The Passion of Tinseltown

©2004 by Dave Palmer

Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion" looks like it's going to be a hit. In Hollywood, that means two things: a sequel and knock-offs. Remember "Antz" and "A Bug's Life?" "Armageddon" and "Deep Impact?"

Well, Mel is on his own for a sequel, but here are some suggestions for The Passion done in different cinematic styles:

Note to the easily offended: First off, just what the heck are you doing here? Take your disapprobation elsewhere, please. This site contains naughty language and scenes that are pretty much guaranteed to honk off religious types. It's a freakin' joke, OK?

To the religious types: Yeah, yeah, I know. Lake of fire. Eternal Damnation. Yada yada yada. I got the memo, you don't need to send me a fresh copy.

Why not just go look at some of my photos instead? They're pretty and don't have any nekkid women in them.

The Passion of Fargo

The Cast:
Jesus: William H. Macy
Judas: Steve Buscemi

Memorable quotes:

Jesus: OW! Hey! Watch it, willya? Ya put that dang nail right through my hand there!

Roman Soldier: Well there's no call to get snippy, sir, I'm just doing my job here.


Caiphas: (discussing getting rid of Jesus) Then we are decided, yah? We'll get the council all worked up about this crumbum Jesus and get a vote to arrest him.

Annas: Yah, real fine then. But you'd better do it quick, before the fellas all take off for the Easter break.

Caiphas: Aw heck! That's THIS week? Cripes, I was gonna go up to the lake for some fishing.


Judas: Look, I'm not gonna just debate..not gonna just sit here and debate you guys, like some kinda..some theo...religious debate or something, OK? A deal's a deal, thirty pieces of silver for know, for Jesus, for pointing him out.

Caiphas: Kiss him.

Judas: What?

Caiphas: That's how you'll identify him to the soldiers, yah? Kiss him.

Judas: Are you off your freakin nut or something, fella? What kinda guy you think I am here? Couldn't I just like, you know, point or something?

Caiphas: Pointing isn't polite.


Thomas: (watching Jesus being flogged) Oh golly, that's gonna leave a mark.

Simon: Oh yah, you betcha!


Pilate: Oh jeez, now who's this sad sack?

Guard: The King of the Jews.

Pilate: Oh yah?

Guard: Yah.


Woman: Say, you're one of those fellas that follows that Jesus fella, aintcha?

Peter: Who, me? Aw heck no!


A Villager: (to companion, as they look at Judas hanging from a tree, his bowels burst on the ground) You should see the other guy!


Pilate: (crown of thorns is put on Jesus' head) Well there's a crown for you, your majesty. Whadya think about that now?

Jesus: Can't really say I'm liking this much so far, ya know?


Jesus: (on the cross) Dad? Dad? Aw jeez, now where the heck do ya suppose he's gone off to?

Monty Python's The Passion

The Cast:
Jesus: Graham Chapman
Peter: Michael Palin
Simon: Eric Idle
Mary: Terry Jones
Roman Soldier: John Cleese

The scene: the crucifixion.

Roman Soldier: HA! THERE'S your messiah! Not so high and bloody mighty NOW, is he?

Peter: He's not MY messiah. Never met the bugger.

Simon: Shaddup! (to Roman) Yeah, he'll do YOU, mate!

Roman: He'll never. He's hanging from a bloody cross, he is. Won't be long until he's sodding demised.

Mary: You've broken a mother's heart, Centurion. And you very own son...

Roman: (shushing her up) OI! Hey, I'm just following orders.

Peter: (indicating Jesus) Who's that, then?

Simon: Shaddup!

Jesus: Forgive them, father...

Roman: What? (glances heavenward) Oh. Him.

A Disciple: Simon, how can this be? Surely the Roman scum cannot simply kill the Master. (notices the Roman looming over him with a spear). Oh. Ha. Look, sorry about the scum part..

Simon: for an excuse)'s just....he...he....he's...he's faking it!

Roman: Do what?

Simon: Yes. He's definitely faking it. Any second now, he'll come flying off that cross with the fiery sword of god in his hand to smite the Roman sc...

Roman: Watch it...

Simon: Any second now. Just ZOOM! BAM!

Mary: I always SAID he'd come to a bad end. All that preaching to the masses, raising the dead...I said, son, you just can't go around raising the dead, it just isn't natural. But do children today listen? No. Makes you wonder why you suffered through virgin birth to begin with, eh?

(they all wait)

A Disciple: Here, nothing's happening.

Simon: Riiiggghhttt abooouuuuttt....nnnnnoowwwww...

(they all wait)

Roman: (smug) That was a FIERY sword, was it?

Simon: Piss off. He's just lulling you into a false sense of security. Any second now...

Roman: Well, I'll just help him along, shall I? (stabs Jesus with a spear)

Jesus: Father...

Roman: Oi, I warned you about that...

Jesus: into thy hands I commit my spirit. (expires)

Roman: There. He's died.

Simon: No he hasn't.

Roman: Sod off. He bleeding well has!

Peter: Is Jesus the one on the left?

Mary: Shaddup!

A Disciple: Simon....

Simon: see, he's...he's...

Roman: He's bleeding DEAD, is what he is.

Simon: (finally comes up with it) He MEANT to do it!

Roman: Get off!

Simon: No, that's it. He definitely meant to do it.

A Disciple: Pull the other one.

A Disciple: What, meant to get crucified? You stupid git! For THIS I left Mithras?

A Disciple: The teeming mobs are gonna kill us, you know. All this time we told them he was god...

Simon: I saith unto thee...

Roman: Can't WAIT for this one...

Simon: He died for our sins. Yes. That's it. He definitely died for our sins.

A Disciple: He died for our sins? Blimey! That's it? After three years of listening to the bastard go on? I gave up all my worldly goods. You know how hard it is to acquire worldly goods?

Simon: No, it works! See...he...ummm...suffers and that any who believe in him shall have eternal life..

A Disciple: What, didn't god promise us eternal life before?

A Disciple: could work. He WANTED the evil Romans to crucify him so he could save us all.

Roman: Wait, you. You won't be spreading vicious lies about the Roman empire if I have any say in it.

Paul: Eh, don't worry, Centurion, we'll blame the Jews. All their fault, it was.

Roman: Yeah, all right then. Not like any of you lot will be around in five years anyway. Bloody loonies...

A Disciple: Yeah, I like it. Oi, Simon...I'm thinking we could take this on the road. Damascus, Galilee,...ROME. Rome, eh? Make a bloody fortune on the lecture circuit, we could.

Peter: Bloody hell! They killed Jesus! You bastards!

All: Shaddup!

The Passion of Tarantino

Written & directed by Quentin Tarantino.

The Cast:
Jesus: Willem Dafoe
Judas: Steve Buscemi
Peter: Samuel Jackson
Pilate: Quentin Tarantino
Caiphas: Harvey Keitel
Herod: Tim Curry
Mary: Uma Thurman
Magadalene: Amanda Plummer

(OK, look: you were WARNED about the language, yeah?)

Memorable quotes:

Judas: (nervously puffing on a Red Apple cigarette as he talks to Caiphas). Fuck....fuck. Fuck, I ain't no rat. Is that what you're thinking? Wrong, pal, fuckin' WRONG, OK? I'm not just some rat, some stoolie, some...some...fuck, some fuckin Judas or something. OK? I mean I believe in what my man J is saying, OK? Believed. Shit, you guys shoulda seen him couple years back. Fuck, in Galilee, he was fuckin AWESOME, OK? He was laying out the righteous TRUTH like nobody's business. Shit, I ain't seen any of YOU big-hat pricks walkin on water and shit, ya know what I'm sayin? But now...fuck. I dunno, he's just fuckin losing it, ya know? So what the fuck? I get paid for this shit, or what?


A woman: Hey, I know you! You're one of those fags hangs out with that preachy cocksucker the Romans busted.

Peter: Fuck you bitch! Never met the nigga.


Jesus: OK, ramblers, let's get rambling.


Pilate: You hear me, carpenter? I'm gonna get ROMANESQUE on your ass!


Mary: And you are...?

Mary Magdalene: Mary. Just like you, isn't that funny? They call me "Scary Mary."

Mary: I'm sure. And you know my son how?

Mary Magdalene: We're...friends. Just friends, yeah.

Simon: She's a ho.

Mary Magdalene: Oh yeah, THAT's fuckin nice. No, it's cool, ya know? I met, ya know?

Mary: Yours or his?


Jesus: Take this, all of you, and drink. This is...

Simon: (taking a sip) Damn, J, that's some mighty fine wine.

Jesus: What, did sound stop coming out of my mouth? Because I KNOW my lips were moving.

Simon: Shit, chill man. It's just pretty good fuckin wine, that's all I'm sayin.

Jesus: It had better fucking be, it's my blood.

Thomas: What? (spits his out) Shit man, that's just wrong.

Judas: It's a metaphor, you putz.

Thomas: Oh. Right, I knew that. What's for eats?


Jesus: (to Roman soldier pounding nails in his hands) My father will skull fuck the corpses of your children, you rat fuck. Just so you know.


Thomas: Crucifixion? Naw. Oh man, that's harsh. Why they gotta do that shit to him?

Peter: Eh, it's not always that bad.

Thomas: Shut the fuck up.

Peter: Nah, straight up. Knew this cat in Gallilee. Fast Finger Nebbie, we called him. Nigga had a thing about his rod and staff comforting the little children, ya know what I mean? Anyway, the Romans catch him with his hand up the toga of the prefect's son, some shit like that, nail his ass to a cross. But did a sloppy job, ya know? Soon's they all leave, his hands and feet tear right through the nails, he falls off.

Thomas: Damn skippy. So he lived?

Peter: Naw, nigga died. Hit his head on a rock when he fell. But it was quick, ya know? That's all I'm sayin.


Judas: (tossing the 30 pieces of silver back at Caiphas) Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This fucking money has fucking BLOOD on it. I can't spend fucking money with fucking blood on it!

Caiphas: (calm, completely unfazed) It's silver. You'll be surprised at how easily it washes off.

Judas: Fuck ME! It's the blood of the fucking MESSIAH!

Caiphas: Then use a stiff brush.


Herod: So you're the king of the Jews? Well doesn't THAT just blow my little sissy skirt up! I guess I should be down on my knees before you, but, um, I just ate, king baby.


Jesus: Judas, must you betray me with a kiss?

Judas: Yeah. Right. Swell. Fine. Look, next time I'll just write a fuckin memo, OK?